Always remember that children are independent individuals!
when I was brushing Zhihu last night, I came across such a problem:
"I'm 22 years old. Why won't my mother let me dye my hair?"
this was asked by a senior girl who dyed her red hair once, but although her parents said they liked it, they insisted that she dye it back black.
and the parents also said that it was for her own good, and this hairstyle made people look like a bad girl.
if the girl doesn't dye it back, her parents will have to force her to dye her back when she gets home.
the parent's words are harsh and full of kidnappings of love:
"you can do anything on your own, but I don't agree with it."
to tell you the truth, I feel suffocated to see such a reply from this parent.
22 years old, has been an adult for 4 years.
both in terms of action and law, he is an adult with absolute autonomy.
but she can't even dye her hair in front of her parents.
how many children have been harmed by parents who refuse to let go?
"I'm doing it for you",
is essentially a struggle for control
there is a line in Ode to Joy 2, which breaks the psychology of domestic parents.
"never underestimate the enthusiasm of domestic parents. They can be willing to cut themselves to pieces for the sake of their children, and they will naturally demand higher control. "
give while controlling.
can be said to be the way many parents treat their children.
on the one hand, they are meticulous to their children and try their best to create better conditions for their children;
on the other hand, they want to take care of everything about their children, being born, going to school, getting married and having children.
Hunan Satellite TV has a popular variety show "Juvenile talk", which is called the juvenile version of "Roof Advertising".
program is to encourage children to go up to the rooftop and bravely say what they want to say in front of all teachers, students and parents.
however, foreign rooftop advertisements make people look very warm and cured.
but this edition of "Juvenile Shuo" makes people very angry.
the boy stood on the stage and said:
"Mom! My whole life! I don't want to eat apples and eggs anymore! "
because his food every morning is apples and eggs, which has never changed.
he is not alone in complaining.
"I really don't want to learn boxing anymore!"
"I really want to eat meat!"
Don't like apples and eggs, just eat other fruits and milk;
if you don't like learning boxing, it would be nice to change to a more interesting class.
and that girl is not fat at all. I really don't understand why she must be stopped from eating meat.
but the reaction of the parents off the stage surprised many people.
"if I hadn't given you so many eggs and apples, would you be as handsome as you are today?"
"I won't let you, because I want you to learn to persevere."
"eat, you will know how to eat!"
it is not difficult to find that what these parents are doing is not so much for the good of their children, but rather for a win and a right of control.
their subtext is: "I'm in charge. If you do what I say, you will succeed."
in fact, in the end--
such parents have never treated their children as independent individuals.
they think that children are just their own appendages, so they impose their own ideas on them, allowing them to eat what they think is delicious and let them learn the skills they think they need to learn.
No matter whether the child is willing or not, once the child resists, he will either suppress it with the authority of his parents or kidnap him with love.
but doesn't the meaning of life lie in choosing one at a time?
in the wonderful work, the debate topic of one issue is:
"if you could customize the perfect life for your child with one click, would you press this button?"
Huang Zhizhong's point of view was agreed by everyone at the scene:
"A perfect life is a full right of choice."
if a person does not even have the right to choose and lives according to the wishes of others, is it still his own life?
A child who is not treated as an individual,
can never be yourself
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parents' love full of control makes their children passively become a "conciliator" and "debtor".
and children who grow up in such a "power struggle" environment are either reduced to excellent sheep, where parents and children live together.
or a sudden outbreak, a great change of character.
Zhu Yuchen, who plays Huazi in struggle, is over 40 years old.
but his mother, who is in her 70s, still does not treat him as an independent person.
make pear soup for my son at four o'clock in the morning for ten years. I have to drink it.
when he is nearly 70, he still goes to the show with his son because he wants to make him a mobile kitchen.
be clear about every relationship and be sure to intervene.
but in the end, Zhu Yuchen got used to symbiosis with his mother.
before and after the two goddess-level girlfriends Tang Wei and Jiang Yan left him.
the high-spirited Hua Zi in "struggle" at that time has become a middle-aged man who can only hold the dog and sob.
in the movie "embarrassing Mom", Xu Zheng plays Ivan, which is the other extreme.
on this side, the old mother said that she would control his weight and not let him eat the last piece of braised meat.
but on the other side, the old mother is feeding Ivan all the time.
Grape, red jujube, small tomato, mung bean, barley seed, red jujube soup.
you have to eat it, just shove it into your mouth.
finally, there was an outbreak between mother and son.
Ivan said this to his mother:
"this is the problem between us. There is an imaginary son living in your heart. Why do you persist in reforming me?"
Don't you find that I'm not the son you think I am? "
what is even more frightening is that the "Ivan" who grew up in this environment have also become people they hate.
he also did not treat the people around him as independent individuals and did not treat them from an equal point of view.
when she divorced him, his wife said something like this:
"you have an imaginary wife in your heart. You have set up what she should like, what she dislikes, and how to speak.
Real education is not a permanent possession of a child, but a decent withdrawal.
only when parents consciously let their children out slowly can their children have the opportunity to grow themselves.
and children who have never been treated as individuals will never be independent.
Gibran wrote in the Child:
"your children are not your children; they are the children that life longs for itself; they come to this world with your help, but not because of you; they are by your side, but they do not belong to you."
We all need to understand this--
everyone's life is not anyone's, but his own.
the highest view of parenting:
I love you, you are free
A few days ago, Wu Yanzu rarely exposed his daughter in public.
at the premiere of a movie, Daniel Wu walked down the aisle with his wife Lisa S and his daughter Wu Feiran.
nine-year-old Wu Feiran is full of youthful vitality in a pink cartoon sweater with a long black pleated skirt.
and the most eye-catching is her red hair.
the little girl's style is very fashionable, and the bangs and the strands of hair next to her are dyed red.
appeared in front of the camera for the first time, so it became the focus of the whole audience.
many netizens also commented: "my daughter's hair color is cool!"
in fact, not only does Wu dye his hair, but Wu also allows his daughter to have his ears pierced.
maybe many people think that you should not get your ears pierced when you are so young.
but Daniel Wu believes that she can do whatever she likes above the principle and the bottom line.
just a little sigh, time goes by too fast, and then suddenly feel sad:
"she's not my baby anymore."
whether he is wearing earrings or dyeing his hair, he chooses to respect his daughter and not to interfere with her decisions, but silently becomes her backing.
since his daughter was born, his ambition has changed from "to change the direction of domestic films" to focus on his daughter.
take care of my daughter's daily life and do everything myself.
he reduced his workload, spending 30% of his time working and 70% of his time guarding his daughter's growth.
play sports with her.
play princess games together.
can even braid a beautiful braid for her daughter.
in addition to high-quality companionship, there is also more equal treatment.
he has said many times that he hopes his daughter is not a beauty and does not want his daughter to enter the entertainment industry.
because he knows very well that the water in the entertainment industry is very deep, and he is very strict with women.
but the real reporter asked him, and if his daughter wanted to shoot an advertisement in the future, he said:
"her decision should be made by herself, not by us."
it is said that contemporary education is about parents, but in fact, I agree with it.
but spelling parents does not only mean money, but more importantly, the connotation and educational concept of parents.
what we need to do for our children is not much, but to teach them to stick to their inner beliefs and principles.
for other spaces, just let the children play freely.
as it says in "to my Child":
"you are not my hope, you are your own hope, you can have a new dream, but there is no need for me in that dream. But I love you, my child, I love you, that's all. "
I love you and you are free. This is the parents' highest view of parenting.
Zhang ailing wrote an article called "detours that must be taken":
at the intersection of youth, there is a path beckoning me.
my mother stopped me: "you can't go that way."
I don't believe it.
"I came from that road. What else don't you believe?"
"if you can come that way, why can't I?"
"I don't want you to take detours."
"but I like it, and I'm not afraid."
after I hit the road, I found that my mother didn't lie to me. It was really a detour. I hit a wall, fell, and sometimes broke my head. But I kept walking and finally came.
A child's perfect life must have the right to choose.
A pair of wise parents must treat their children as individuals
always remember that the child is an independent individual, and he has his own space and privacy, not your personal belongings.
as said in Shawshank's Redemption:
"those birds are not destined to be caged, and every piece of their feathers shines with freedom."
Children will grow up eventually.
in the future, he will do whatever he wants, the sky is wide and the earth is wide, and he is allowed to soar.
and all we have to do is take good care of him and don't break his wings.