In this way, the husband and wife can be happy for a long time, and the marriage will be as good as ever.
some time ago, the Ministry of Civil Affairs released a group of civil affairs statistics.
the results show that a total of 2.139 million couples have completed divorce registration in 2021.
after excluding the causes of domestic violence and infidelity, it is not difficult to find that the estrangement between most couples lies in their poor communication with each other.
there is no perfect relationship in this world. No matter how happy the marriage is, it will always experience some trivialities and grievances, and unknown sufferings.
psychologist Karen Horney has a famous saying:
"Marriage is the sublimation of love, and its most precious place is that husband and wife can improve each other in constant running-in."
in the dullness and triviality of firewood, rice, oil and salt, husband and wife should not only know how to tolerate and understand each other, but also have "insensitive power" and allow small flaws in order not to give up and support each other.
No matter husband and wife or lover, the longest relationship has to go through three times of giving up.
give up "picking up bad things"
there is an "emotional compliance effect" in psychology:
memories that once made us feel sad are stored in the brain, and when we experience similar emotions again, bad memories are awakened.
it is not terrible for couples to quarrel with each other. They are afraid that they will always pick up the bad things of the past and talk about them over and over again.
those sad clips plunge people into sadness and doubt, constantly arousing inner resentment.
regardless of the occasion, it is undoubtedly the greatest weapon to hurt feelings, hurting others as well as yourself.
later, because of the differences in ideas between the two sides, they chose to separate.
in order to fight for custody of the child, the two had to go to court.
the lawyers of both sides mercilessly intervened and guided, constantly touching the sensitive nerves of Charlie and Nicole, and they could not help blaming each other.
whose temper is worse, who is sloppy, who is selfish...
the old debts are constantly turned up, and even the sweet life that was once loved is also used as a weapon to attack each other's body.
after several rounds, both men felt exhausted.
the hysterical quarrel broke up the once intimate relationship, which went against the original intention of getting together and breaking up.
"steady Rangers" says:
"in fact, the trick for two people to be together for a long time is not to dig up the past. What can I do if I turn it over? It's just that one is more sad and the other is more annoyed. "
to dig up the old debts and slander each other is like sprinkling salt on the wound. Obviously, the pain is getting more and more painful, but I can't help rubbing it on the wound.
in a happy marriage, quarrelling is another way for couples to communicate, and the ultimate goal is to make their demands rewarding.
instead of bruising each other, knock each other down.
those unimportant daily trivialities might as well be "dull" so that the marriage will go better and better.
in many cases, tolerance is a more useful weapon than punishment, and it is easier to break people's hearts.
talk about things on a case-by-case basis. If there are contradictions, try to solve them. Positive communication and knowing how to turn the page is the great wisdom of life.
give up "haggling"
in life, confusion is not a bad thing; being too sober is not a good thing.
people who are too sober tend to take it seriously, always magnify each other's shortcomings for no reason, make each other uncomfortable, and add blockage to themselves. the deeper the disappointment, the deeper the pain.
when marriage is full of haggling, all that is left is to hurt each other and live a life without talking about happiness.
once watched a marriage mediation program:
the husband does things harshly and often fights with his wife because of trifles.
wives, on the contrary, have an unrestrained personality, and their two completely different personalities often give off "sparks" in their lives.
once, the two people had a conflict because of a few grains of pepper when they were cooking.
the husband questioned that there was too much pepper, but the wife said, "I only put five or six tablets."
unexpectedly, a simple sentence made the husband lose his temper.
the husband even poured the food on the table and counted out 14 Chinese prickly ash, so angry that his wife had a heart attack on the spot.
Wang Haicheng said in Chinese-style divorce:
"you don't have to be too serious about feelings and family. Be kind, tolerant and confused. It's better than anything else."
indeed, sometimes the more confused people are, the more reasonable they are.
people who have a good marriage tend to pretend to be confused, turn a blind eye, turn a big matter into a small matter, turn a small matter into a friendship.
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those seemingly dull, in fact, there is infinite tenderness and tolerance.
the help of each other in the ordinary time seems ordinary, but it exudes the charm of warmth and resists the erosion of fleeting time.
in marriage, you don't have to haggle over every penny. If you are slow and careless about things that have nothing to do with principles, the relationship will come naturally.
to be a man, you can't live too clearly, big things are clear, little things are not serious, occasionally confused, and each other is at peace with each other, so that life can be at ease.
give up "change each other"
there is a question on Zhihu: "how to transform your partner into what you want in your heart?"What does it look like? "
the poignant answer is:
No one likes to be told what to do about their lives, including their loved ones. "
We always mistakenly think that we can change each other. Unfortunately, emotional estrangement often starts with trying to change each other.
self-media author Liao Fan recorded in his memories:
how do you like your husband before marriage? after getting along day and night, you find that life is very different from what you imagined, and your husband has exposed a lot of unbearable shortcomings.
Liao Fan was lively and cheerful. Before marriage, he took a fancy to her husband's calmness and calmness. Only after marriage did he feel that his husband was wooden and inarticulate, and he looked like a wooden man.
what makes Liao Fan even more depressed is that her husband's living habits are also very different from his own.
Liao Fan is a very hygienic person who cleans up food waste every day and never lets it spend the night.
some time ago, Liao Fan came back from a business trip and saw that the garbage in the kitchen had become moldy. She angrily questioned her husband why he didn't throw away the garbage, but the husband said he didn't notice.
while Liao Fan was angry, he competed secretly to turn her husband into what he had imagined.
however, the reality is that the more you want to change the other person, the more you feel powerless, and the disappointment and frustration that follow gradually evolves into endless internal friction.
there is a passage in Fu Lei's Letters:
"the requirements for a life partner should not be as harsh as the requirements for everything in life.
where are the people who have only strengths but no weaknesses? Are there any perfect people or things in the world?
ask yourself, how perfect are you?
is to give each other a space, do not ask questions about everything, let alone try to change each other. "
A good marriage is not trying to change your partner, but accepting each other's differences and learning to appreciate the imperfect person with perfect eyes.
there is no perfect fit in marriage, only respect and acceptance, don't have too many expectations, indulge a little, be confused, it's easier to be happy.
when husband and wife get along, they need to get rid of sensitivity and learn to be insensitive.
Don't worry about trifles, don't be shaken by disputes, this is the true wisdom of maintaining a happy marriage.
respecting each other's unique way of life, seeking common ground while reserving differences, and accomplishing each other is the real core of getting along with husband and wife.
Japanese writer Junichi Watanabe put forward the concept of "insensitive force":
the so-called "insensitive power" means to be less concerned, less sensitive, less trivial, and maintain an optimistic attitude that is rarely confused.
give up picking up bad things, give up unnecessary haggling, give up changing each other's psychology.
Don't take things to heart, when you have the dull feeling that you don't worry about trifles, you can make the plain life interesting.
develop the "insensitivity" in marriage, give each other the ability to tolerate each other, but also let couples have enough confidence to withstand the wind, frost, rain and snow in life.
, may all couples be half confused and half awake.
in this way, the couple can be happy for a long time, and the marriage will be as good as ever.