does not care, does not pander, is not aggrieved, and be who he really is.
have you ever had such an experience in life?
on the way, I accidentally fell and looked around nervously, lest passers-by should see your embarrassment.
during the meeting, I inadvertently said the wrong thing, and I was distracted all day, thinking that my colleagues were talking about themselves.
after the exam, I tried my best but still failed. I always felt that others were pointing fingers and saying that I was incompetent.
the "spotlight effect", also known as the "focus effect", is a concept put forward by Cornell University psychology professors Dilovich and Savisky in 1999, which means that people inadvertently put their problems to infinity, and when they make a fool of themselves, always think that others will notice.
if you keep staring at your words and deeds and are used to magnifying your problems and mistakes, it will lead to inner anxiety.
in fact, if you fall, you will soon get up, and the people around you will not pay much attention to it.
if you say the wrong thing in a meeting, try to make up for and improve it later, and your colleagues will not deliberately laugh at you.
if you fail in the exam, you can only start all over again, and others will not deliberately throw a stone at the bottom of a well.
it took half a lifetime to realize that instead of staring at their own mistakes and putting pressure on themselves, it is better to open their horizons and live an open-minded life.
never overestimate yourself, you are not that important
I have heard a story.
there is a performing artist born in a large family. Every time he eats, everyone sits around and makes a lot of noise.
on one occasion, he had a whim and hid himself in the cupboard of the restaurant. He thought that if everyone could not see him, he must be in a hurry to look for him everywhere. He might not be in the mood to eat, let alone chat.
when he was hungry and depressed, he could only walk out of the cupboard and eat some leftovers.
it dawned on him that don't overestimate your relationship with anyone. Your position in the hearts of others is far less important than you think.
Stephen Dubner has a famous saying:
when we are young, we always fantasize about being the center of the world, longing for attention to our words and deeds, and bitter about the subtle reactions of others.
if my friend doesn't give me a like in time, he will be sad and lost for a while, thinking that the other person is not friend enough and doesn't understand me.
my colleague gave some objective advice and thought that the other side looked down on me and was angry for several nights and couldn't sleep.
the leader criticized and complained that the other party ignored his own efforts, was decadent for several weeks, and didn't want to work.
do not realize that we are just ordinary individuals in the world, and we are not as important as we think.
everyone has their own small universe, they are working hard for the life of chicken feathers in one place, and they really have no intention to participate in other people's lives.
as the old saying goes, the low water becomes the sea, and the low man becomes the king.
think less of yourself, work hard, work hard bit by bit, and silently try to prove yourself.
recognizing yourself and putting aside your sense of superiority is not only a kind of self-cultivation, but also a kind of wisdom of life.
the more you care about others, the easier it is to have internal friction
on Douban, netizens
@ Li Dachuan
told his grievances.
he is a senior high school student. He is always careful and cares about every step of his life. He has a hard time every day.
tired of study, he wanted to take a nap on his stomach at recess, but he was afraid that his classmates would laugh at him for not working hard. He always tried to endure drowsiness and read absent-mindedly.
when he didn't answer the questions well in class, he felt that his classmates must be gloating. Everyone seemed to be laughing at himself and became scared.
was criticized by the teacher, thinking that the teacher will no longer like himself, for a long time, he lost the motivation to learn, and his grades are getting worse and worse.
even when shopping in a stationery store, he would nervously glance around for fear that his stay would be too long and cause misunderstanding by the boss.
when I saw his story, it was really unpleasant, but I silently agreed with him.
as a member of society, we yearn for the recognition of others and do not want to be belittled and ignored, so invisible, our behavior is based on each other's satisfaction as a reference index.
in the end, I found that blindly paying attention to the eyes of others will only set limits everywhere in your life. In the circle drawn for you by others, you will feel sorry for yourself and hold back.
what Dickens said is extremely true:
"choose your own path, regardless of other people's gossip, and most importantly, be the best you can be."
other people's criticisms, like weeds in life, sometimes stumble you and bring you to a standstill.
sometimes it will cover your eyes, make you unable to see the road ahead, and sometimes it will cut your limbs and make you feel pain to the bone.
only when we get rid of weeds and put aside the interference, can we travel lightly, precipitate bit by bit, and achieve the brightest self.
only by blocking the eyes of others can you shine
how to avoid the trouble caused by the "spotlight effect"? Try the following three techniques.
read a story, a patient named Dudley is a professional boxer's partner, tall and strong, because of insomnia went to the hospital to see a doctor.
Dudley raised his voice as soon as he entered the doorShout, "Damn it, get me a bottle of sleeping pills!"
surprisingly, when Dudley went back, he had a good night's sleep with the help of this bottle of vitamins.
Adler mentioned in inferiority and Transcendence that a person's mind guides his actions.
what kind of psychology, what kind of behavior.
when you are embarrassed, you might as well imply to yourself: "everyone is busy, but I am not that important" to weaken your importance.
activity, tell yourself: "it is normal to be nervous, others must be as nervous as I am" to eliminate the inner unease.
after long and deliberate training, when you are in the spotlight again, you will not be under too much pressure and will not be at a loss as to what to do because you care too much about others.
at this time, you might as well try to divert your attention, do what you like, or do something meaningful, and use happy and positive emotions to resist loss, and sorrow will soon disappear
We can vent our anger and stress by running; we can calm our hearts and be at peace by drawing pictures; or we can get together and chat with three or five friends to spit it out.
by doing meaningful things, seeing your own excellence and value, and looking back at the gossip of others, it is not worth mentioning.
look down on other people's comments
Wang Lu said on the talk show: "I never care about other people's opinions. I want to be the first party in life."
Yes, others are just the bystanders of your life, and you are at the helm of your life.
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everyone has different experiences, different values, tolerance and acceptance of the vision of others, is also the embodiment of a person's maturity.
whether others are unintentional by the speaker or intentional by the listener, there is no need to overinterpret.
as long as you don't care, big things can become small, small things can turn into stories, and if you care too much, small things can become storms and turn your life upside down.
when we can't control other people's mouths, we focus on taking the road under our feet.
Zhou Guoping once said:
"if it hurts, just because you care, the more you care, the more painful it will be.
as long as you don't care, you can't hurt a hair.
in the vast sea of people, we are not so humble, nor so great, we do not have to follow the eyes of others and mess up our own boundaries.
do not care, do not pander, not aggrieved, be true to yourself, your life will be free and easy.
only if you don't think about it, can you avoid all kinds of poison.
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