have heard such a joke:

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A man entered a high-end barber shop for the first time and did not understand the charging and washing steps. In the face of the warm welcome of the waiter, we have to save face.

the service said, "Sir, why don't you go to the second floor and wash your hair first?"

the man said, "good."

after the man washed, the barber suggested, "Sir, your hair is a little gray. Dye it."

the "hmmm" man is too embarrassed to refuse.

the hair was dyed black, and the barber asked, "what kind of haircut would you like?"

the man replied, "cut your head."

after reading this joke, you may not help laughing and think it's a bit of an exaggeration.

in fact, there are many such people in their lives who are always embarrassed to refuse others because of face. In the end, they can only add blockages and bring trouble to themselves and make themselves deeply tired.

Sorry, it's hard for yourself to go against your original intention

A colleague in our unit, a friend of hers who had not seen her for a long time, suddenly contacted her and said:

"can you lend me ten thousand yuan? I have something urgent to do now. I will pay you back in ten days."

but after more than a month, my friend didn't say a word about returning the money. My colleague was very short of money, and he was complained by his husband, but he still couldn't wipe away his face and ask his friend for money.

in the twinkling of an eye, more than a year later, the children of my colleagues were promoted to junior high school and attended various cram schools, so the fees increased, and some of them could not make ends meet.

my colleague finally had to muster up the courage to ask her friend when to pay back the money, but the friend continued to procrastinate with all kinds of refusals and excuses, so the colleague had to turn up the chat records at that time as a basis to show her.

as a result, my friend was annoyed first and said angrily, "for such a small amount of money, are you going to do this?"

the money was returned, but her friend blocked her Wechat.

my colleagues feel particularly aggrieved about this, and they don't understand: at the beginning, when they were not well-off, they tried their best to help their friends. Instead of being grateful, they ended up making enemies with themselves.

and to investigate the root cause, all this is caused by being ashamed to refuse others.

as the Japanese novelist Tai Zaiji wrote in disqualification in the World:

"my misfortune lies in my lack of the ability to refuse."

the reason why it is difficult to refuse others, one is unable to give up their own face, and the other is to habitually please others.

the writer Yishu once said: "

face is the hardest thing to let go, but it is also the most useless thing.

"

your embarrassment not only goes against your own heart and embarrasses yourself, but also may not win the respect and equal goodwill of others.

the more you don't know how to refuse, the harder you will live; the more you want to be a good man, the harder it is to be a good man.

therefore, to be responsible for yourself is to learn to reject others reasonably. This is the expression of loving yourself.

Sorry, it's indulging others to take an inch

have seen such an example:

A Ms. Wu bought two parking spaces when she bought a house, but at that time her family only had one car, and the other parking space was temporarily idle.

the neighbor aunt did not buy a parking space when she bought the house, and Ms. Wu's idle parking space was just under the aunt's window, so the aunt parked her car on Ms. Wu's parking space.

Ms. Wu thought it was all neighbors, and she looked up all day and was embarrassed to say anything.

Ms. Wu said to her neighbor's aunt, "I'll lend you this parking space first, and you'll give it up when I buy a new car."

Auntie agreed.

after that, Ms. Wu's other car was delayed for various reasons.

and the neighbor aunt has been using Ms. Wu's parking space for eight years.

finally, eight years later, Ms. Wu bought another car, so Ms. Wu contacted her neighbor aunt and asked her to give up the parking space.

unexpectedly, the aunt scolded Ms. Wu and said, "Why should I give you a parking space? this is my family's parking space!"

Ms. Wu was completely confused: "obviously her own parking space was kindly used by her aunt for eight years, but how did it become her family's in the end?"

but the aunt sophistry said: "since this parking space, I have used it for eight years, then this parking space is mine, in addition, it is under my window, naturally it is my house."

in desperation, Ms. Wu had to call the police to solve the problem.

in psychology, there is a "threshold effect", also known as "inch-by-inch effect".

means that a person may only make a small request at the beginning, but if it is met, it may be upgraded step by step, so as to make the other party accept the larger request.

that is to say, the more embarrassed you are to reject others, they will gradually take your "nice talk" for granted and even challenge your bottom line.

because this is human nature.

so, in the face of those who embarrass you, you must clear your head and not always be a bad person.

Learning to refuse is a required course for growth

Sanmao said:

"Don't be afraid to reject others if you have a legitimate reason.

because when a person asks for something, he already has two answers in mind, so it is expected to give him any one of them. "

so allow yourself to say "no".

just think carefully about the method of refusal, because rejection is an important language art.

A wise way to refuse is not only to save face, but also to make the other person retreat in the face of difficulties.

for example, we can try the following methods.

refuse to use "humorous tone"

after Fortress besieged was published abroad, there was a foreign female journalist who admired Qian Zhongshu and persistently hoped to see him.

Mr. Qian refused in this way: if you feel good about eating an egg, why do you have to see the egg-laying chicken?

another example:

A man desperately pursues a woman and wants her to be his lover.

the man said, "I like everything about you."

the woman asked, "does that include my husband and children?"

the advantage of humor is to say things in a joking tone and create a relaxed atmosphere that can be laughed off even if rejected without being too embarrassed.

use "delaying tactics" to refuse

Xiao Zhang's uncle likes to gamble and often asks someone to borrow money to pay his debts.

one day, my uncle came to Xiao Zhang and said, "I want to buy a used car. I am short of 5000 yuan. I want to turn around with you. I will pay you back in a while."

Xiao Zhang knows that his uncle must have lost money again, and the money lent to him will never come back.

so he said, "good!" But after a while, I'll give it to you when I pay the bank loan first. I can't afford the bank money. "

Direct rejection will give people the impression that you don't take him seriously at all, so don't rush to refuse, give yourself a buffer and give the other person a psychological buffer.

reject with "alternative method"

colleagues saw that Xiaolei usually wrote well, so one day they begged Xiaolei to write a speech for her daughter.

Xiaolei said: "you may not see that I can write unclassy little things, but I am really not good at writing speeches. Don't delay your daughter's work, or you can ask Fang Fang. I think she is also very good at writing."

my colleague was reminded and said, "Yes, how can I forget Fang Fang? OK, I'll ask her."

if there's something you can't do, you can refuse first, and then help find an alternative or solution, which will not only show that you really want to help, but also make the other person feel better.

of course, the above methods are just a reference for everyone, and it is appropriate for you to refuse according to the person.

for some people, straightforward and honest refusal may be more appropriate than other ways.

in fact, even if we are kind, we should not only have standards and principles, but also distinguish between objects.

Don't set up "good people" to save meaningless face, and you don't have to go against your heart to cater to others.

the embarrassment of yourself is the face you can't give up; the kindness you abuse is a step for the selfishness of others.

therefore, you must learn to reject others and don't let "embarrassment" hurt yourself.